Motivational Monday - Detox Your Relationship

Hi everyone...it's been such a long time since I wrote a 'Detox' post...I thought I'd make this one extra special.

The 'Detox' series is all about making changes in your life to have a positive impact...to remove things that are perhaps getting you down, making you sad, remind you of a bad time or person that hurt you.  Cleansing your mind, body and soul.

So this one I'm sure will resonate with many of you that have either just ended a relationship, are in a 'toxic relationship' or perhaps still haven't gotten over a previous one.

Relationships are the foundation of our society...they form the building blocks on which stability, order and happiness are built.  Without them we kind of just 'drift' along...alone...whilst you may be able to jump from partner to partner to satisfy your needs, it surely cannot fulfil your sense of belonging...your sense of purpose.


Now don't get me wrong, each to their own...but there are many people out there that have a stiff upper lip and put up a front that they don't want a relationship, don't want commitment, don't want to feel 'tied down'.  I put it to you that they haven't always been like that...I'm betting they've been severely hurt by someone in the past that has forced them to put up their defences...to build a barrier to protect themselves...'I don't need anyone'....'I love being on my own'...really???

Surely it's better to experience love and get hurt than to not love at all?  People don't intentionally set out to hurt one another (although I know there are people out there that are simply stupid, immature, and careless and have no intentions of settling down and enjoy just having fun...they deserve to be on their own)...but generally, people enter into a relationship with someone because they genuinely like them, want to be with them, want to try to make things work...but sadly, no matter the circumstances, no matter the person, sometimes it just doesn't work out. 

It's no ones fault...trying to connect with someone on a level that is so deep that you want to spend the rest of your life with them is...quite frankly...a life long challenge...whilst we might genuinely really like someone...its just cannot replace that 'love feeling' that most of us desire.

So what should you do?  Should you stay in the relationship just because it's the easiest thing to do until someone else comes along?  Honestly... NO...that is the last thing you should do.  

All that happens is that you end up being sad, the other person ends up being sad and the relationship becomes toxic...becomes a challenge to continue...you have more and more awkward moments.  The best way by far is to 'man up' and tackle the situation head on...be honest...be open...it's going to be very very difficult for both of you...so why make it even harder by lying to yourself and others...why do yourself a disservice by just 'drifting'.  The other person will I'm sure, have more respect for you in the long term.

But what about those that are in a relationship that still love the other person, and they love you...but for some reason it just isn't working?  Neither of you want it to end...but you just aren't happy.  

There has to be a reason why...either one of you is not doing something, not giving the other some of the basics needed in a relationship...or perhaps it's both of you...perhaps you've both become complacent.  Just because you've been together for 10 years it shouldn't mean you give up trying, give up doing all the nice things you used to do during the early years.  Why on earth would you...cast your mind back to that time...those first few years...when you both made each other so happy.   What was it about each other that attracted you to one another?  What made the relationship so much fun...easy?

I put it to you that we stop doing those things...we get into a rut...we loose sight of what we had, we get lost in the 'day to day'.  We become a slave to the 'rat race' and forget the main reason that makes us happy.  Now I'm not saying work isn't important..clearly we all need money to live...but just don't let it dictate who you are...don't let it influence on your happiness outside of work...no job is worth destroying a good relationship.

Get together with your partner and talk...go for a walk, a meal, a bike ride...what ever it is that makes you happy and makes both of you relaxed.  And here's the thing...don't make the other person feel bad by saying 'you don't do this or that anymore'... you'll just get their back up... how about trying not to apportion blame...how about making it sound like a joint effort?  Start by offering something from your side...start by showing that you don't see yourself as blameless and perfect.

Start by saying something like 'I've been thinking...back when we got together, I really enjoyed it when I used to do 'X' for you and somewhere along the line I stopped and I want to apologize'. 'I'm going to make an effort to start doing it again for you because I know how happy it makes you'.  See what the reaction is...I'm pretty sure your partner will be smiling and show some appreciation.  I'm also sure that you will start a chain reaction and they will start to offer you their side of the story and what things they stopped doing.  If not, don't pressure the situation...these things can take time...but at least you've made a start...let it sink in, but most importantly, follow through on your word.  The seed has been sown and should spark something inside the both of you to get back on track.

The key thing is to not let it go on for years on end...don't let the relationship become so toxic that it cannot be fixed.  Be open, be honest, but don't be confrontational...you'll only make the situation worse.

I want to be clear here, I'm not speaking to all you women out there...oh no...guys...you have an equal responsibility to your other half.  They have entrusted themselves and their hearts to you...treat them with the respect they deserve and you shall reap the rewards.  No woman is going to simply carry on pleasing you if you don't make them happy...you're a fool unto yourself if that's how you think. 

I for one will be honest and say that I have been guilty of all this in my past and I have probably not treated some people the way in which they deserve to be treated, all I can do is apologise to those people personally and publicly...if you are reading this....I am most sincerely sorry....I'm  learning, developing and growing, striving to be a better person.  I challenge you to look deep inside your soul, be brutally honest with yourself, identify your own misgivings, accept them as your past, revisit them if needed...apologise to the person you mistreated, try to repair things if they will let you...and most importantly recognise the signs of it happening in the future and put a stop to it before it ruins another new relationship.

I appreciate that these are just words and are easy for me to say when I don't know your circumstances, all I can offer in reply is that if my words encourage you to make a positive change in your own way, then kudos to you...you have my respect.

A tough start to the week...but that's how I roll...I prefer to do my hardest, most difficult work at the beginning of the week...it's all downhill from there :-) 

Much love and respect

Bert 
xxx